“We teach girls to shrink themselves, to make themselves smaller. We say to girls, you can have ambition, but not too much. You should aim to be successful, but not too successful. Otherwise, you would threaten the man. Because I am female, I am expected to aspire to marriage. I am expected to make my life choices always keeping in mind that marriage is the most important. Now marriage can be a source of joy and love and mutual support but why do we teach girls to aspire to marriage and we don’t teach boys the same? We raise girls to see each other as competitors not for jobs or accomplishments, which I think can be a good thing, but for the attention of men. We teach girls that they cannot be sexual beings in the way that boys are.”

― Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, We Should All Be Feminists

When I was pregnant with my first child, I knew I was having a girl. Call me crazy, but I just knew. When she arrived, and my notions were confirmed, I realized that a huge responsibility lied ahead of me. I had a whole manifesto laid out on how I was going to raise her and what I wanted to teach her about what it meant to be a strong and fierce woman. But more importantly, I wanted her to understand the significance of loving and cherishing herself.

In my work with young girls and even grown women, I’ve come to the realization that some  of my female counterparts were not imparted with this knowledge. In a sense they were not given or taught their manual as young girls. The result: lack of self worth, constant comparison of themselves to other women and in some cases mistreatment at the hands of their partners. My ultimate pet peeve.

Oftentimes, when we think of mistreatment of women at the hands of men we tend to think of horrific acts of physical or sexual violence which is of course reprehensible. But I’d like to focus on some of the less drastic behaviors that occur daily in many households that many women wouldn’t even deem as maltreatment.

For instance, being taken for granted by your partner or the expectation that it’s your job to do everything around the house. Not being ‘permitted’ to cut your own hair because he likes it long, or even converse with other men. Or the idea that although you work, dinner is your responsibility every night.

So for those of you that missed out on your lesson on fierceness when you were a child–here are some key points from my manifesto to my daughters:

1. Don’t Take Shit From Anyone

I don’t care who it is. Your boss, your colleague, a stranger or a ‘friend’. No one and I mean no one, is allowed to talk down to you, speak to you in a degrading manner or raise a hand to you.

2. You Are Not Bossy…You’re A Boss

There’s a fkn difference. The word bossy is often thrown around as a descriptive word for a lot of young girls. I saw it first hand when I was an elementary school teacher. There’s a difference between asserting yourself and just being an asshole. You are assertive.

3. Comparison Is The Thief Of Joy, So Never Compare Yourself To Anybody.

Competition is a myth. This is a big wide world and as such, there is enough for everybody. When your fellow female is doing well, congratulate her. Diamonds are created under pressure so know that your time will come soon.

4. Never Dim Your Light To Let Someone Else’s Shine.

Fuck that! You are a rockstar, a force to be reckoned with. If other people can’t handle it, tell them to move on. Never water yourself down to make someone else feel more empowered.

5. Know Your Worth

Never settle for less than what you deserve and don’t allow anyone to take advantage of you. Refuse to be around people that treat you like you’re average. Because you are far from it.

This is just a small snippet of my manifesto for my daughters. Believe me–there’s a lot more. I hope these words have served you well. And if you’re in situation that’s less than desirable….know that you have the fortitude to release yourself from it.